worse than mary jane.

May 21, 2010

I am beginning to think that I’m like a gateway drug – a drug that leads you inevitably down that road directly to marriage.

All (well, maybe not all… but a solid 85% or so) of my ex’s are in serious relationships and very much in love, and all (again, maybe not ALL, but most) of these relationships are ones that they found immediately after dating me.  How does this happen?  Do they meet someone and think “Oh my god.  Thank Heaven! She’s so different.  I. must. marry. her. immediately”?

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last several days thinking about what could have been.  What if I hadn’t left?  Would that be me in her shoes… smiling while I pick out a dress? moving in? or half halfheartedly attending the family functions and still looking on as he chugs Jim Beam from the bottle?

I know playing these games with myself is useless.  I know I only did what I felt was right in my heart at the time.  I’ve always believed that if there is any hesitation at all, or any question in your heart, then it’s not “right”.  I only wish that someone could look into my future and tell me not to worry – I made the right choice.

I made a realization last night that nearly took my breath away:  The one person on this Earth that still knows me inside and out and better than anyone is someone that I walked out on and pushed away a year and a half ago for no better reason than simply needing “space”.

I needed space then… but now I just feel alone.

Such is the great irony of life.

Trying to smile,

Q

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One Response to “worse than mary jane.”


  1. you just took the words right out of my head.


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